Iron Age Cult of Human Sacrifice Seeks Members
We want your children - we will "convert" them and then give them back.
The earlier they learn - the harder for them to change their mind later!
Send your child to our Iron Age Cult of Human Sacrifice Sunday School now.
Our Beliefs:
There are invisible things that definitely exist, although they’re not made of anything.
One of them, “Yahweh”, demands complete surrender and worship. If he doesn’t get it, you will be tortured for ever and ever and ever and ever …. no days off.
Yahweh can do anything, knows everything, and is always good. However, he regrets he can’t prevent children dying in earthquakes or tsunamis. He also apologises to the thousands of children screaming in agony in Africa, infected by the Eye-worm larvae and going blind. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Also, he unfortunately couldn't prevent hundreds of factual errors and contradictions appearing in his own holy book.
Non-believers should all be killed (see our Bronze Age book - Deuteronomy 13)
Yahweh caused or approved genocide and mass murder many times. (Exodus/Numbers/Joshua)
One of our prophets made the sun stand still for a whole day so he had time to kill more unbelievers. (Joshua 10:13).
No other nation noticed; gravity wasn’t affected, but our book says it’s true.
Our holy book is true because our holy book says that our holy book is true.
Yahweh caused fathers to eat their own children, (Ezekiel 5: 8-10)
We believe that a donkey talked to its owner (Numbers 22:30)
Watch out!! Yahweh once murdered nearly the entire human race by drowning dads, mums, children, toddlers, babies, embryos, animals, pets. We didn’t meet his high standards
You’ll need “faith”, because there is no Reason behind our beliefs. (Faith is only required where there are no good reasons and no evidence).
We like to say “Faith is a virtue”. It’s a good way to make people believe nonsense.
Our cult has some nice bits for all the family: babies in mangers, shiny angels with wings.
We talk about love a lot - this keeps us popular, especially in Hollywood.
We murdered hundreds of thousands of women and girls in Europe and America.
According to us they were witches - they made lightning hit our spires.
(And we were acting on orders - Exodus 22:18 - Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.)
Our celibate priests had to examine each one intimately first.
We despise progress. We spent 800 years burning people with whom we disagreed.
We tortured Galileo. We burnt Giordano Bruno at the stake (he said the earth wasn’t the centre of the universe) and put a nail through his tongue first to shut him up.
Many of us fought against anaesthetics, while fighting to keep slavery (our holy book never says it is wrong), we fought against women’s rights. Since the Enlightenment, we keep ourselves respectable by conveniently ignoring bits of our own holy book.
We need your children because:
No adult who hadn’t been told about it as a child, could ever believe the things we do. They would just laugh at us.
Our motto is “Believe or be Damned” Like it?
Geoff Mather 2007
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