Making a Religion

We'd had a couple of beers, and arriving back at John's place we relaxed on his sofa.  I'd been trying to get him to consider Christianity, but he was in a mischievous mood.  The corners of his eyes wrinkled with a smile.  "Let's try a thought-experiment", he suggested.

"Fine", I agreed.

John thought for a moment, then began:

“Ok. Close your eyes and imagine a kind of heavenly place. There’s a blue elephant there. He’s massive and his name is… ‘Tontec’. He’s surrounded by heavy, gold curtains, rich tapestries, and in the background are candles on stands. To the right of him there is a lake, with a fountain in the middle of it. The water is crystal clear and full of goodness; it’s called the ‘Lake of Blessings and Happiness’. Now.. are you with me so far?”

I nodded, "You're crazy".

“Just humour me. Now, can you see the elephant and the lake? Every time you jerk the little finger on your right hand, he fills his trunk from the lake. Can you do that? Just jerk your little finger and watch him fill his trunk.”

I began to worry about our sanity, but, yes, I jerked my finger and could imagine the elephant doing just that. 

John laughed. “On the left side of him is a large colourful barrel. You have to say the words ‘Move Tontec’; don’t say it out loud, just in your head. Then he’ll turn towards the barrel. Got that?”
I nodded and gave John an incredulous sideways glance. In my mind, I uttered the magic words, and the elephant did indeed turn towards the barrel.

“Ok, nearly there. Now jerk the little finger on your left hand. He’ll shoot the water into the barrel.”
I obeyed, and the crystal water from the Lake of Blessings and Happiness poured into the painted barrel.

“I’ll put the kettle on… you get that barrel full.”

I thought about putting the television on. But In my mind, I was still seeing the blue elephant. I stretched out comfortably with my eyes still closed, and jerked the little finger on my right hand. The elephant filled his trunk from the lake. I silently spoke the words ‘Move Tontec’. He turned. I jerked the little finger on my left hand. He emptied his trunk into the barrel. I repeated this a few times, all the while listening to John clattering around with cups and spoons.

He walked in with two steaming mugs. “Is it full yet?”
With a serious face, I said “Just about.” I closed my eyes to check. “Yes it’s full.”

“Well done! Now we want to empty the barrel. There’s a gang of monkeys scampering around it. They’re wearing little hats, green hats with red stars embroidered on them. When you say ‘Empty the barrel’, they will do it. But hang on, wait! They will empty the barrel out of the sky. All that goodness in the water will fall on someone. Just say ‘Fall on…’ and say a name. Whoever you want. That person will get all the happiness and blessing.”
I thought about this for a second. In my mind I said ‘Fall on Maria’. The monkeys picked up the barrel and the shining water poured down through the floor, taking my love with it.

John looked at me. “There you go. We’ve got the makings of a perfectly good religion there. Think about all those 2,500 religions, I’m sure some of them are even dafter than Tontec. I think they started with stories, fireside chats. Children passed on the ideas to their own children, and gradually the stories developed into superstitions. You jerk your fingers, say the magic words, and you have control over the big bad universe.”

“Hmm. Maybe some superstitions come about like that. But Christianity is a lot more complete, more complex.”

“Well, over the years…” John paused for a moment. “Ok, lets go a bit further. So far our elephant is happy to fill his trunk when you jerk your right finger, then move around when you say ‘Move Tontec’, then empty his trunk when you jerk your left finger. The monkeys do their bit when you ask them. Let’s say that that’s a nice little superstition that builds up in a tribe over a few generations. Notice how easy it was for you to imagine all that.

“Now, let’s say the elephant isn’t our slave. He has a mind of his own and he doesn’t always turn up. Also the 'Lake of Blessings and Happiness' can run dry sometimes. You can imagine being in a tribe, and one of the tribe-members falls ill and dies. Someone is certain to say ‘The Lake ran dry. Tontec didn’t come. We didn’t please him’.

“Later on, the tribe gets bigger, or maybe they conquer another tribe, and their big chief makes himself a King. His next question will be, how does he keep order? How does he get crops planted, keep people happy, and make them fight for him? It’s easy. He proclaims: ‘My people, if you work six days a week, the Lake will be full. Don’t kill your friends, or steal from them, and Tontec will be there for you. The King will come up with some laws. Oh, and of course if you say Tontec doesn’t exist, the rest of the tribe will blame you when the crops fail. They’ll be inclined to stone you.
“Eventually, after that King dies, the next King will come along. He won’t necessarily know all these little laws, or be interested in them. So, hey presto! he’ll appoint someone who does know. He’ll create priests, or they’ll just arise naturally out of the people. The ones who really believe all this stuff and think it’s important to keep Tontec happy. They may write down all the tedious laws, and help the people to live so that the Lake is always full and Tontec always shows up.
“There will be a few tricky incantations that ordinary folk simply wouldn’t bother learning. The priests will know them off by heart. If they recite ‘Tontec, Tontec, tikka takka toe’, the elephant will bring his strong son to help him fill the barrel - so twice the blessing! The rituals develop.

So, all the laws that already existed, can now be given a boost - some extra divine authority.  The king can announce that if the people obey the laws - Tontec will be happy.

“It becomes a very cosy relationship between the King and the priests. 'You scratch my back...' The Priesthood gives extra authority to the King.  They declare him to be King with the divine backing of Tontec. Meanwhile, the king runs the army and protects the priests and the temple. So they look after each other. Et voila! A complete religion.

"Notice that none of this has to be fraudulent - it’s not a conspiracy at all. The priests, the king and the people all really do believe in Tontec; it works well.”

"And by this time, they've all forgotten that Tontec the Blue Elephant and the Lake of Blessings and Happiness were just made up stories, fables to amuse the children."

Our conversation moved on to other subjects.  But weeks later, I could still remember the instructions, the little mind-virus that John had planted in my head.  I could still see the blue elephant. I could see myself in the future telling my children the same story.  And, far down the years, I could imagine them recounting it to their own, receptive, children.

Geoff Mather 2007

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